Misplaced my soul, seen it?
| Friday | Jun 3, 05 @ 6:03am |
| Scared so bad. Scared for my friend, sitting in her front room with her crying in my arms was bad enough, but its just all the other things that i know shes not talking about. :'(
Scared of my own life bad enough. I'm so lethargic and just dead. I can't face all this shite of growing up. I really can't. Find out i graduate a week today. I just... :'( I don't want a proper job. I'm not fit enough, i need more energy its not even funny how little energy i have. I just feel incredibly weak, physically and mentally and just scared. Everyday this week i've been feeling more and more down. Getting my new bike parts didn't help. Seeing Joe has cheered me up or held stuff off briefly but then its all come flooding back when i've got home. I am going to implode if this continues, but what can you do? Live on and struggle through. Like everyone else. But whats the point in 'living' like this really? |
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current mood: Depressed & scared current music: Savannah |
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| Wednesday | Jun 1, 05 @ 8:38pm |
| Yet again my cranks didn't arrive, well i think maybe they did now coz gray said that jai said to call in tomorrow first thing to get them fitted.
This week is shite. :( Today i slept, i got up for 3 hours and then slept and then got up and went to joes for a few hours and now i've come home and am about to go sleep. Felt so down today. Still do. Had fun at joes but i'm home on my own again now. Theres nobody to come visit me. I'm a fool. Ignored graham today, he phoned me like 20 times, turns out quite a few of them were Caitlyn using his phone coz they were worried about me. Which is sweet and makes me feel kinda guilty for not answering. Maybe means they'd notice if i disappeared. But then if i'd done something bad to myself then they wouldn't have found me. Thats my own fault i guess. I just... :( I want Caitlyn. I want a hug. I want her. I'm too fussy and stuck up and shallow about what i want. I don't even know. If i got someone i'd lose them. Caitlyns the only one who i think would stand a chance of keeping hold of me coz she knows so much about how i work. That would need her to Love me as more then a friend though. *sigh* I should stop this. |
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current mood: shite current music: in my eyes~ Milk inc |
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| Sunday Morning | May 29, 05 @ 4:21am |
| Well my family just went away and i have the house to myself. My auntie wants to come down for dinner a few times apparently. :( How inconvenient really. :(
My tooth hurts. Worried about Caitlyn. Shes being lovely again. Stayed at hers on wednesday night till 3am. :) Saw her briefly last night for like 2 seconds. Wonder if i will tonight? Or was she going away? I forget. :( I got my bike back <3 :D The forks work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ordered my self some raceface evolve dh cranks, in bad ass black to match the mrp system 3 that i ordered with black rollers. Shiney black things for my bike. :D Stayed up till like 4am talking to Hannah on msn last night lol. I like talking to her. :D Feel generally quite down recently. But i duno. maybe i'll have a good week. I hope so. My eye feels a bit sketchy again, maybe the conjunctivitis hasn't completely gone? Who knows, i'll attempt to use the eye drops i think. I'd love to have Caitlyn come up one day this week and stay over maybe lol. I've complicated things for myself alot though. I don't even know right now. I want someone Don't even know what i'm thinking. |
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current mood: Sketchy but vaguely hopeful current music: Some Kind of Monster~ Metallica |
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| Thursday | May 26, 05 @ 9:32am |
| This week is going strangely and disappearing and reappearing. Argh.
Last night i saw Caitlyn and went into see her after i left joes, i was in hers till 2:30. <3 I don't understand what goes on between us. She won't believe i'm in Love with her, and won't even accept that i can find her so beautiful. She sees me as just me. Not someone she could fall in Love with. I've gotten stronger she says, "when did you get strong!?" but i still have no muscles apparently. lovely eh. I am in Love and she doesn't love back, what on earth can you do about that that won't result in me becoming hurt and/or losing my best friend? I think i've sorta already lost her. Ish. I don't even know. I'm not ready for the world I sent the giant off today, now officially have no bike. My forks might return today, but i'm less and less hopeful. I've currently got Grays bighit but its shite basically, i want my supercross!!! Can't decide if i should buy the sidekick or a telly or what? What am i doing? I saw starwars yesterday, its really good!!!!!!! I also finished some more of the lego starwars game, its such a great game!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 Jennys after me again, i could probably end up doing all sorts with her judging by the things she says to me. *sigh* I don't want to. I want? |
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current mood: Lost, tired, just generally numb current music: jack off jill~ super sadist |
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| Monday | May 23, 05 @ 6:47pm |
| I'm lost without something.
I look and i gaze any part is beautiful, she lies says shes not says shes all these things but shes not. Shes an Angel. Fallen from the sky and stood here infront of me. Gentley drifting across the surface, stroking so lightly, almost not real, ghostly presence on her skin, firmer and firmer and then stopped. Backing away and then looking back, stealing a glance and shes looking too, despite the complications shes returning. I lock around her leg pulling her closer my hands on her sides, brushing up slowly, gently, all to take a hug. Not really anything more. But then. I hold and i keep on holding, like always, not wanting to let go and she stays, she twists around and talks on, letting me stay attached for that little bit longer, now my fingers are wandering for her spine, climbing and finding the spot i know i'm not supposed to play with, but i do. And she moves, standing up and drifting away, brushing against me as she passes and turning and smiling. Princess, what is she on? I don't care. So peaceful and safe. Goodnight and a smile.... How do you get things like that out of your head? Nicer then i can explain in anyway, but tragic that they end, knowing that i'm completely defenceless and open and hers for that moment, she knows. She knows what she can do, she chooses not to. I'm not that to her. I can't be? Why not? We've been right up to nearly something and always somethings happened to stop, and interuption, her backing away or me backing away, but now i want more, i gained in strength and braveness, but still so weak and still at her request i stop. Obedient to the last... Well to a point... Cars missed me on the way home again, closer then usual tonight though. |
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current mood: Smitten current music: |
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| Friday | May 20, 05 @ 8:13pm |
| What is the point? I'm lost. :'( | |
current mood: shite current music: |
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| Wednesday morning | May 18, 05 @ 7:10am |
| I'm going to see caitlyn at 1.... i'm scared.
Graham just phoned and i told him that i was off to caitlyns later. If he interferes i will fucking kill him. Swear to god he is NOT allowed to get in the way. FUCKING PRICK!!!!!!!!! That assumes he does. He might not. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I want my lego pirate ship. Should be here by the wkend the guy said. :D 4 minutes till my lunch is cooked. hmmmmmm My life goes up and down up and down, seemingly more down then up but if so when will i hit bottom? Can't be too long. Perhaps now i'm out of uni and sorta doomed in the world and more alone and stuffs it will. I mean i was so bored i slept yesterday, i didn't even have the motivation to play on my ps2! :| |
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current mood: nervous current music: random dance stuff |
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| Monday | May 16, 05 @ 4:57am |
| Dreamt i got knocked back by Ash, was in a club somewhere n i saw ash n i tapped her on her shoulder to get her attention n she turned round and told me to never fucking touch her again and stormed off. :(
Then i dreamt that i was for some reason working in the village and i was putting stuff in someones car when i dropped sumit and i ended up with glass in my eye, but after i'd staggered around for a bit like that Sarah appeared and was like all happy and smiley to see me, and she hugged me tight n looked me in the eye and then kissed me, and then the pain stopped n i was just kissing her. Weird but nice. *sigh* Got an exam in 4 n a half hours, woo. :( Caitlyn was texting me, i'm seeing her on wednesday. Hmm. Scared about life. |
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current mood: weird current music: |
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