Misplaced my soul, seen it?
| Sunday morning | Dec 12, 04 @ 4:03am |
| Still having issues breathing. Can't wait till i ride to work, just gona die. I 'can't' need her because shes 'too unpredictable'. How the fuck does that help me?
On a lighter note if my mates ever get round to making our bikin vid i am gona be in it for some quality interlude material. Plus some excessive wheelying. :D Dicesssssssssssss, or die |
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current mood: sleepy and weak current music: kmfdm megalomaniac (listened to this song so many damn times!!!!!!) |
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| Saturday | Dec 11, 04 @ 7:46pm |
| I can't breathe
Today i ate: half a pack of kit kat kubes a gold bar a twix a pack of cheddars a quarter pound burger 2 mcdonalds burgers 2 small portions of mcdonalds fries And i have drank: a bottle of fanta a can of fanta 4 glasses of pepsi i feel dead. Today wasn't bad. Tonight is. Pattern here, nights = bad. Days i just hide it, i figure i'm dying (well i actually i know i am coz we all are from the second we're born). *sigh* bad negative si. bad. bad. bad. |
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current mood: i can't breathe current music: dance music |
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| Thursday | Dec 9, 04 @ 5:51pm |
| Today i ate:
6 chicken nuggets hamburger curly fries tub of malteasers a kit kat 2 small pizzas I drank 3 pints of coke I'm ill and tired and weak. Theres nothing that i can say that i haven't said before. I am lost to the world and i don't think theres anyone left to find me anymore. |
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current mood: ill current music: none |
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| Wednesday | Dec 9, 04 @ 12:01pm |
| I ate:
chicken burger 3 kit kats 2 sausage, beans, potatoes, black pud, rice pud half a box of malteasers And drank: 4 glasses of pepsi 2 glasses of water Day was crap, stayed over at joes and saw caitlyn for like 2 mins, stole 2 hugs. Didn't want to let go. Had to. :( |
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current mood: current music: |
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| Tuesday | Dec 7, 04 @ 7:56pm |
| Today i have eaten:
5 potato waffles a mini pizza chilli con carne 6 kit kats advent calender chocolate And have drank: 4 glasses of coke 2 glasses of water My teeth are going to rot. My life is nothing. I can't be happy and so can't find the motivation to work so am gona fail uni so am gona be more sad plus am gona be kicked outta home if i fail uni maybe. My mum told me she was worried abt me this morning and then about two seconds later started moaning at me!!!!! Why can't people notice that moaning at me and telling me what to do forcefully will not work in my head. Shout at me and i'll just hide inside myself. Why is the world full of empty questions? 'are you ok?' i could answer that truthfully to so many people and they're just tell me to fuck off and call me selfish. Ha. I want Caitlyn. I want anyone. I hate this i hate it! Why should i have to find new friends???????????????? WHATS WRONG WITH WANTING TO KEEP THE FUCKING ONES I ALREADY HAVE!!!!! I loved nothing more then sitting there on her step talking about anything and everything or in complete silence listening to the ships float past and the river flow, cuddled up there nothing could hurt me, nothing mattered, i was safe i was happy i was content. But now i cant even sit with her, i can't talk to her and she won't talk to me. Even if she did the things she would want to talk about would hurt me so bad. I can't be her best friend and she won't be mine. I can't find people who i can keep. I need to love without being hurt. Why won't she give me back my fucking knife! More randomness: Sat in the sunshine, floating in a sea of grass, with perfection for company. Eyes returning and no strings attached, just heaven. Intertwined and leading towards warmth, Glowing inside with eternal happiness. Make this moment occur? Ripples on the surface of reality or previews of what might be? Please ~~~~~ Lost inside the meaningless echoes Hidden from the world in plain sight Weak scarrs dance around enticing and inviting Depth never achieved, only scratching the surface of my thoughts My mind decaying into nothing Lost in the make believe Lost in the hope Silent moments slowing down time Agonisingly close to perfection but entirely thoughtless and empty Hollow words and gestures Give to recieve, not in kind, just the warmth for a brief moment Smiles empty Eyes drowning me Alone and forgotten drifting slowly but surely towards inevitable depth What more can these feelings amount to? Fear stops me But fear cannot last when theres nobody left to see Darkness prevails with all its finess and subtlety Why? |
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current mood: Lost current music: some kind of monster, Metallica |
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| Monday | Dec 6, 04 @ 5:35pm |
| Today i ate:
6 mini victoria sponge cakes 2 large batches with sandwich spread on. mmmmmmmmmmmm a huge plate of mince n veggies and i drank: 4 glasses of coke 2 glasses of water Today was boring and sucky. I am so tired and lethargic and just generally not arsed with being alive. I want to not be alone this sucks beyond description! |
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current mood: pissed off current music: ultra beat, now i'm feelin fine |
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| Sunday | Dec 5, 04 @ 11:53am |
| Well.......
Do saturday first.... On saturday i ate: a hamburger 3 fig rolls I drank: 8 smirnoff ice botte of coke bottle of pepsi 2 bottles of water Work was shite. But i got to go the krazy house!!!!!!!!! hehe. Twas good! Notable events of the night were...... ummmmmmm.... i got accused of being on ecstacy coz i looked that fucked, i went round wearing my mate cap like a scally, my mates got warned to watch me coz i looked "well dodgey", hahahahahaha, i missed the strippers!!!!!!!!!! i fell over lots and lots and lots and lots, I shook some girls hand but got no hugs at all, *sigh*, my mate from france texting me to tell me she'd just been in an earthquake, i forgot to get off the bus coz i was talkin to some random girl called vicky, she was nice. :-) Sunday........ Today was mostly dominated by the hangover, damn myself for not eating!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still want a hug. today i have eaten: 7 fig rolls 3 tic tacs roast dinner 2 glasses of water glass of coke bottle of coke pack of cheddars I'm lonely. Why did i lend that dickhead money? For a good cause thats gona cause me to be skint again. What a prick!! Why does everything fall apart? |
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current mood: hungover and in need of a hug current music: project wyze, nothings what it seems |
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| Friday (belatedly but shush) | Dec 4, 04 @ 5:35am |
| Today i ate:
2 hamburgers home mades fish n chips n peas mmmmmmmmmmmm a round of wholemeal bread a pack of fig rolls 6 biscuits And have drank: 2 glasses of water 4 pints of pepsi Today was weird, missed my only lecture of the week. Went to liverpool, bought the most cute n soft elephant and now i gots to figure out how to get it to france. Hmmmmmmm need a box. Then in the evening i went to joes n played ps2, that was fun!! Then i came out to go home and Caitlyn and co. had just got back. All pissed. Hmmmmmmm I stayed for maybe 40minutes talkin to them and loaned jay who i dont even know £15. If i don't get it back then i'm gona be seriously pissed. Caitlyn was nice, wanted to hug me and when she did it was like when we used to hug, Ha that won't make sense to anyone. I love her and i don't know abt what more is there. I really don't. Nobody else effects me so much when they hold me. *sigh* Callys still cute, growing up to fast, and smoking way way way way tooo much, but of course she just pleads addiction and refuses to quit and is quite convinced i hate her. Foolish lil girl. *sigh* Please let me go to the Krazy house on saturday night, pleasee xx |
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current mood: Confused current music: evanescence, bring me to life |
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| More randomness | Dec 3, 04 @ 7:02am |
| Hopelessness removes my tenuous grasp on reality.
Throwing my soul off the edge into an abyss from which i have no escape. Strangled and suffocated i lie here comatosed. I stare at her eyes but i cannot stare into them for fear of return. Beautiful moments scarred by otherwise insignificant instants. Playing these futile games beneath a sea of intrigue, death and pain. These thoughts will nver come to pass, never be allowed to gain a hold over my vocal chords. Instead only silent screams will echo eternally in this darkness. Beautiful like a star eternal and beyond my reach, reduced nothing but burning eye candy and a precious few moments of lingering touch. Love? |
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current mood: Remembering the past... depressed current music: Mercyful fate, Metallica |
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