The Paths I've Traveled
| Down to the wire... | Nov 20, 09 @ 2:08am |
| Okay, so I'm not going to make this blog about one long continuous subject in which I blabber on and on, I'm simply going to talk about all the things I don't like about myself and I will say these things as they come to mind, keeping it short and brief.
I hate how I react when I am angry or upset. When I am upset I usually take it out on the people that I care about, insult them, make them angry, get them to feel my pain. I pick apart everything good going for me. I have to snap out of it when I do it, and then I realize the damage I did and feel bad and go into an apologizing spree. I do this because deep down I fear that the person will do something I don't like, such as abandoning me, doing something to me, etc. I really don't know why I do this but I think it's fear based as the people who I care about are all I have left. I need someone who I DON'T like to target my anger towards. I hate how I want to be social, like hang out with friends, go to parties, get a girlfriend, etc, but I am too shy to do anything. I am really shy, and part of that shyness is due to the fact that I really don't like people. I am naturally an anti-social person, I always have been. At the same time, I crave the things that everyone does. Love, friendship, intimacy, etc. How can I get these things if really what I like is being by myself? I also fear that once I open up to people about certain things they will abandon me... I hate how my parents make me feel about what I say to people. They tried their best to raise me to be polite and stuff but now I fear even the slightest breach of etiquette. I know a lot of people, young and old, who are very free spirited, open, and will say whatever they feel like, swear in front of you, talk about taboo subjects, and not give a shit. I really wish I could do the same, I used to be able to, not so much anymore. This is all I can think of for now, I'll probably come back to this later. |
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current mood: Loathsome current music: |
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| Why I hate preps... | Nov 12, 09 @ 11:22pm |
| Because they hate us. Some of them don't, they try to be "open minded". But the fact is that they have extreme attitude problems relating to the music they listen to and their often over-pampered lifestyle.
Before I got into metal, grew my hair out and all that shit, I was probably one of the nerdiest kids you could meet. I did not have many friends, I could not relate to the things they liked and they would give me a hard time about what I liked. Part of me cared, part of me didn't. On the one hand I felt it might be good to relate to people my own age, but another part of me felt that they were immature and that I was better than them. I developed a bit of a superiority complex that lasted until the end of high school, when I opened myself up enough to allow like-minded people in, the people who are my friends, brothers, and sisters. My love of Metal music (especially Black, Folk, and Viking Metal) and the subculture associated with it has only deepened my hatred toward most of my peers and mainstream culture. Take a look at it: 1. Everybody looks the same. There is hardly any individuality among styles of clothing, hair, etc. Why? Because they feel they must follow a trend in order to be cool. That's stupid. 2. They don't seem to make smart decisions. Drugs, playing games with their boy/girlfriends, etc. Any person with even a small amount of intelligence doesn't continue to be with a partner who cheats behind your back and beats you up when you confront them. And the girls are such bitches, they try and make your girlfriend/crush/whatever look bad so you will break up and be with her. And then she gets all bitchy if you're smart enough not to fall for it, and then gets all depressed and emo afterwards. GEE I WONDER WHY? 3. Their music SUCKS! Okay, so I suppose it's a bit hypocritical of me to say that these people are so closed minded and then I go and bash their music tastes but the fact is that I really can't stand a lot of today's pop music. Occasionally you hear a good song but for the most part the performers don't sing and therefore lip-sync during live performances (a lot of them CAN'T actually sing and require their voices to be digitally altered to sound on key, you can hear it very clearly in a lot of pop songs nowadays, it sounds like a robot singing.) Also since when were beeps and other strange sounds considered musical instruments? Whatever happened to PLAYING instruments with your own fingers instead of a computerized track? I mean okay yes I use synthesizers in my music but only to substitute for real instruments (if I had a live orchestra I would most definitely use them instead). Plus it seems like pop music is mostly mushy-love songs. Someone bring me a bucket, I think I may have to puke! 4. A lot of them ignore you if you're different. Why? I don't know. What I can say is this, if they didn't have a problem with me I wouldn't have such a problem with them. As it was I was picked on in school a lot simply because I wasn't interested in all this shit. Before I joined DarkStarlings I used to spend a lot of time on the forums on the IMDb (Internet Movie Database). There was this one guy there named Darrentmail who made comments about how he hated preps and how he wanted to kill them with his various guns and a weapon he made which he referred to as his "ugly stick". He was eventually arrested in addition to being banned from the IMDb. Hats off to you, Darrentmail, you are one smart motherfucker who obviously was misunderstood. Congratulations on standing up for what you believe in! Anyway, this is why I hate preps. |
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| The Flaws of Christianity | Oct 30, 09 @ 1:28am |
| Before I go any further, let me just say that I am about to say some things that some people may take offense to, and if you do I would advise you to NOT read this blog. I respect the opinions of others but now I am expressing my own opinion and I will show no remorse no matter how many complaints I get as this is MY opinion and I stand firm.
So, with that being said, let me start out by saying that I believe Christianity was founded on good morals and ethics. I do believe that Jesus said and did a lot of great things. The seemingly few people in this world who take what Jesus said to heart and try and do those things and NOT worship the ground he walked on or the cross he died on are the people who I consider to be true Christians. Unfortunately the Christian religion has become vastly corrupted over the past 2009 years and during that time the religion has also spread like a plague to pretty much everywhere in the world. They forced a lot of people who, quite frankly I feel had better morals and ethics, out of their lands simply due to the fact that these people stood firm and chose NOT to bow down to the Christian god. The Christians forced these people to convert, or face death otherwise. Countless peoples that were once quite strong (i.e. Jews, Pagans, Native Americans) have suffered at the hands of Christianity. A lot of the descendants of these groups are devout Christians who say that their faith means everything to the world to them. Little do they know about the suffering that their ancestors probably went through. And the Christians make everything very tempting to their victims. They offer food, clothing, a place to stay, labor, etc, but sooner or later they will bring up the subject of religion and how they are the "one true faith" and you must convert or else you will face death. They make it very difficult to say no, and as such the people who have held on to their existing beliefs are the people who have remained strong. Today the mass murders and genocide in the name of God have died down, and in recent years there has been more of a demand to be accepting of others beliefs and not to judge. But still Christianity has its ways of working around these demands and continues to corrupt people, the government, the public school system, and even though they don't do it in the name of God or Jesus and say they accept others beliefs and are totally and completely secular, the fact is that their ideas have a Christian basis. When I was in school they had a rule that you weren't supposed to talk about religion. Kind of like the "don't ask, don't tell" policy they have in the military. It's basically there to avoid hatred and discrimination in the school system. But if a student openly expresses their Christian faith, they will probably be congratulated and told that they "are a good, strong person", whereas if I were to, say, wear my Bathory shirt with the Pentagram on the back to school, they'd probably ask me to take it off because it's "provocative" and "people will think I'm evil". "Evil" is a matter of opinion, in this case THEIR opinion. First of all, I am not a Satanist, I'm a Heathen. I do think that both of those religions are HIGHLY misunderstood and prejudged because the Christians believe that we have these "strange rituals which are so horribly EVIL and we are going to HELL unless we accept Jesus into our lives". IT'S MY CHOICE! MY FUCKING RELIGION, MY PREFERRED PATH, JUST AS YOURS IS! YOU DON'T LIKE ME FOR IT, SUCK MY PROUD COCK! Why the Christians place such a heavy emphasis on "saving" people is beyond me. I could give less of a fuck about where someone else is headed in the afterlife. I could give less of a fuck about what others believe, the only reason why I am complaining now is because I look and see what Christianity does to people. There was a brief period of time in my life where I DID consider becoming a Christian, but now I feel like I have found a much better path. Christianity encourages a lot of unhealthy things. Guilt, prejudice, homophobia, fear, the need to be overly selfless, etc etc. Over the past several centuries we have come to view these things as the "norm". If you are reading this, if you are a member of a non-Christian faith and are 100% proud of it, more power to you. Perhaps we non-Christians (in particular Heathens but I am speaking for pretty much all non-Christians) are fewer in numbers but consider it a good thing, as it means we are strong enough not to give in to Christian demands. Hold your virtues and values close to your heart, and if someone gives you shit for it, tell them to fuck off. A Christian weapon we can use to our advantage is to not give into temptation, the temptation being the stuff Christians offer us in the hopes we will convert. Fight for what you believe in. If enough people do this we can fight the negative force that is the corrupt Christians, they things they do, and what they stand for. We can take back what was taken from us long ago, and make the world a better place, where people are free to BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES! |
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| I'm not doing so well... | Oct 27, 09 @ 5:21pm |
| I know I have struggled a lot with anxiety and depression and OCD. But I don't want to label everything anymore. I don't believe that I am broken or damaged but nonetheless I am having a very difficult time coping with simple things.
I love my grandparents dearly, but lately I've just been so afraid of hearing something bad that I haven't been talking to them as much. I used to call them every other day, even if it was inconvenient for me, because I was compelled to make sure they were ok, now it's been over a week since I last talked to them. I also used to rush to answer the phone every time it rang thinking it might be them calling with bad news. I still have that fear, but now I am so scared when the phone rings that I hesitate to pick it up. Every time the phone rings I am scared out of my wits. The phone ringing sounds like a death bell tolling. And then there's my social fears. I always have been afraid of hurting others feelings and am a compulsive apologizer, but it has gotten worse, and now I feel bad if I am unhappy in front of my friends. I used to want to talk to them about my issues, but I am under the impression that it stresses them out, because it sure stresses me out. So I have been wanting to avoid talking with my friends about my issues lately, but it seems like something always happens that makes me talk about them, always the same ones. I'm sick and tired of talking about them, it no longer feels productive and I'd rather do other things with my friends such as work on music. I felt so bad yesterday that I stayed home from school, first time I have done that in a while. I feel scared, nervous, depressed, and like I just want to disconnect from it all. |
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current mood: Depressed current music: A Desolation Song, by Agalloch |
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| Andrew's Issues: October 2009 Edition | Oct 18, 09 @ 10:54pm |
| Okay, so the title of this most recent blog entry is a bit of a joke, a play on how I seem to have a bunch of issues pretty much all the time and they are kind of like a newsletter that is "issued" (bad pun) every so often. But the truth is, my ability to laugh at little things has really gone down a lot.
So I suppose I'll just tell everything as the come to mind. My first issue is my band, River of Despair. I absolutely love the band (I should because I created it, along with Russell) but I am a bit discouraged because I was hoping to have our first album out by late December, and I feel we are running out of time. At this point in time we have two songs that are completed and a bunch more in the works. We have enough for a full album, we just need to record them. Maybe I am being a bit irrational. Agalloch, one of my favorite bands as well as my main influence for ROD, formed in 1995 but they didn't release their first demo until 1997, and their first full-length didn't come until 1999. We don't even have a full band (it consists of just me and Russell) and at this point I am fine with it staying that way as I have issues I need to work out before I feel I could play live. Being so discouraged makes me not want to even play my guitar, although when I do I am always glad I did. I also feel that at the pace I am going I feel that getting the album out by December is a pipe dream. My main reason for wanting to release the album in 2009 is because this has been a really shitty year and I just want to be able to say that I did something positive and fulfilling in 2009. I also have accepted the invitation to join Russell's other band, Skogs Hallen, as a bassist, taking over from Noah Malowitz. While I am much less self conscious about it because playing bass is easy as well as the focus will not be on me all the time, I just am concerned that my motivation issues will impede my ability to be successful in the band. I really want to be included in Skogs Hallen, I had wanted to be in the band since its formation, in fact one of the reasons why Russell and I decided to form ROD was because at the time my musician skills were not at the same level as his but yet he still wanted to work on music with me. I consider having a place in Skogs Hallen to be a huge honor, and I just hope I can live up to it. My next issue is understanding how people function. If you read my previous blog you already know my issues with assertiveness so I won't go into that. But I just have this feeling that one could have a very strong relationship with someone and yet a minor disagreement is a major deal. The end, really. Sometimes I could even be under the impression that I did something wrong that the other person wasn't even aware of and I apologize endlessly and needlessly. I feel that apologizing is my way of showing that I care, and I am often under the impression that the person who I am apologizing to is horribly mad at me and will have a hard time forgiving me, even though that isn't usually the case. Ironically, I have an easier time forgiving others for their wrongdoings than I do myself. You could have really hurt me, yet if you apologize I will usually forgive you. But I remember a lot of the things I have done to others and really have a hard time forgiving myself, even if the other person has long since moved on from whatever the issue was. I will now tell you a story about a time that I let what could have been a very successful and long-lasting friendship die over a simple disagreement. When I was in elementary school I knew this kid named Sean Farley. I met him at school but I then discovered that he lived right around the corner from my house. Periodically he would show up at my house and knock on the door and ask if I could come out to play. The first several times he did this I didn't want to. Often times I had some bogus excuse, I (or my mom) would tell him that i was busy with an art project or eating dinner or something, the truth was that I was simply very shy. But I eventually warmed up and decided to give this thing called friendship a try. It was quite fun, he and I would play on the swings in my backyard and afterward I would ask if he could stay for dinner. I really liked having a friend and I had hoped that it would last for a long time. But then one day we got into an argument about something that could have been easily resolved, yet I let it all blow up. Sean had a skateboard, and I had wanted one because at the time I was a lot more athletic than I am now. He didn't want to give me that particular skateboard but he offered me an older one that he had (it was a kids' skateboard, but it was better than nothing). But he didn't want to just give it to me, he wanted to make a trade. I had a lot of things that I could have easily traded that I really didn't care about (I offered him an old tennis ball that I never used) but he wanted this one toy that I had that was one of those flexible plastic tubes that you wave around in the air and it makes noise (he thought it was a snorkel). I didn't want to trade it. We went back and forth on the issue. I really wanted the skateboard but wanted to trade something else and I became upset and started to cry. To make matters worse one of Sean's other friends showed up and wanted to play, and he caught us at a very bad time. Eventually I gave in and let Sean have the tube and I got the skateboard, but I was upset because I had lost a toy that I actually really liked and I felt it was a bad trade. I told Sean and his friend to leave. After that I really didn't see much of Sean, and eventually he moved away. I didn't even like the skateboard and never used it much due to the fact that it was meant for a much smaller kid. Ironically I still have it, it remains in my backyard gradually being consumed by the elements. Sean probably would have easily forgiven me if I had apologized, as he had gotten what he wanted and he probably felt like it was a fair trade. But apart form being upset at the fact that I felt like I got the short end of the stick, I also was under the (probably) false assumption that he was mad at me for being so stubborn and getting upset when he didn't take what I had offered in exchange for the skateboard. But I let my one friend slip through my fingers. Sean was one of the very few friends that I had invited over to my house, as well as one of the few friends I had in general. I didn't have the guts to even consider inviting anyone else over until 10 years later when I met Russell and Bela. I am often haunted by the memory of this incident, especially when I have a disagreement with one of my friends. Something inside me feels that an argument about something so simple, or even getting upset over something that isn't a big deal to the other person, can break up even the strongest of friendships. |
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current mood: Sad, frustrated. current music: |
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| Trapped in the Cult of Unselfishness (My struggle with Assertiveness) | Oct 12, 09 @ 4:47pm |
| My best friend and brother Russell has been teaching me about what he calls the "Cult of Unselfishness". A lot of people have grown up in religions that preach about how important it is to be selfLESS, to give to others and be kind and considerate of their feelings and what have you. This is what he has referred to as the "Cult of Unselfishness". There comes a time when you must focus on yourself, your wants, your needs, etc. These are every bit as important, if not more so, at least in my opinion. I agree that I should be more assertive and stick up for my needs, but doing it is another story.
I feel that at heart I am a very selfish person. When I was a kid I did not want to share my toys. I did not like seeing my possessions in the hands of other kids who may not treat them right. My parents and other important figures in my life have taught me about sharing and giving, and it has gotten to the point where I really struggle with sticking up for myself even when I know I should. I have no problem being selfish to people who don't matter to me (Why should I be obligated to give my hard-earned money to a homeless person who will probably use it to buy drugs?), it's the people who I care for and respect that I have difficulty with. I am currently in my third year at Los Medanos College studying Appliance Repair. I am in this class because I love fixing things. Fixing things gives me a sense of pride and accomplishment. I love looking for jobs I could do around the house. Often I don't even ask for payment, the joy of seeing the job I did is enough. But in this class, there are a whole bunch of people (a lot of them older adults) who want to learn the necessary skills in order to get a job. A SELFISH cause. These people all come from different backgrounds, different personality types, different jobs, different morals and ethics, etc. Now in the class, we work in groups, usually of 4 or 5 people, sometimes more. We do this mainly because it is a large class and there aren't enough instructors to go around. The students who have been in the class for a while are designated as group leaders, who are responsible for sharing their experience with the new students in the group. So basically, you have people with varying skills, knowledge, and personalities all working as a group, but in the end it's all about you gaining the knowledge for a (hopefully) successful career. In my group this year I have Robert, who is a fifty-something ex-Sears service technician who is in the class simply to gain some extra knowledge. There is also Jack, who I have worked with before. He is very curious and really wants to involve himself so he can learn. And then there is Michelle, who is nice but is also very blunt and was recently transferred to our group because she wasn't happy with the one she was in before. She always says "I'm in this class because my life depends on it!" Then there is Frank, who, like myself, is rather quiet. At the beginning of this school year, I had a little "speech" prepared for the group. I was going to say that they shouldn't treat me as an expert, because I am not, so naturally they shouldn't assume that I know everything and therefore I should stand by while they do the work. I was going to say that I wasn't there to give them answers, I was merely there to show them how the class functions. But seeing as how Robert knows a lot because of his experience, I let him do a lot of the work, because I felt I could learn a great deal from him. I eventually felt a bit useless in the group because here I am in a position of power as a group leader, but I hardly know anything so I am relying on this guy to do everything. It got to the point where the more assertive personality types were watching him do everything and involving themselves, and I was standing there watching, as sort of a supervisor. This morning I called a "group meeting", and attempted to express my frustrations. However, what I ended up saying was "I think everyone in our group, myself included, should pitch in an equal amount". Robert took it to mean he should back off and let us do everything. I felt bad, so I later apologized. I knew that he is also a student who wants to learn, and I felt that even though this is a selfish class, we need to be more unified as a group and all pitch in an equal amount. He and Michelle told me that I was being rather wishy-washy and didn't do a good job of being assertive. I was sticking up for myself, but I felt bad about it. They said I shouldn't feel bad for trying to stick up for myself, if they get upset it's their problem. It's just I take into consideration WE ALL WANT THE SAME THING, TO LEARN. I just am afraid that I will come off as angry or upset if I am wanting things to be done differently, even if I don't mean any harm. I feel like this because if I didn't care about these people I would be as selfish as I could. If being unselfish every once in a while isn't a bad thing, why is it so hard? |
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current mood: Frustrated, annoyed, dissatisfied. current music: |
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| OCPD Test #2 | Oct 3, 09 @ 2:10am |
| TEST #2
1. Do you get caught up in details, whether you're preparing a report for work or cleaning out the garage at home? Yes 2. Is it hard for you to let go of a work project until it's just right -- even if it takes much longer than it should? Yes 3. Have you often been called picky or critical? Or do you feel you are? Yes 4. Is it important to you that your child, spouse, or subordinates at work perform certain tasks in a certain specific manner? No 5. Do you have trouble making decisions? (For example, do you go back and forth before making a purchase, planning a vacation, or choosing what to order from a menu?) Yes 6. After you do make a decision, do you find yourself second-guessing or doubting your choice? Yes 7. Do you find it embarrassing to "lose control" and be emotional (e.g., to look nervous, weep, or raise your voice in anger)? Yes 8. At the same time, do you sometimes find yourself wishing it were easier for you to show your feelings? Yes 9. Do you have a particularly strong conscience, or do you often feel guilty? Yes 10. Is self-discipline important to you? Yes 11. Are you especially wary of being controlled manipulated, overpowered, or "steam-rollered" by others? Yes 12. Is it important for you to get a "good deal" in your financial transactions, or are you often suspicious of being "taken"? No 13. Do you think you're more guarded than most people about sharing your possessions, time, or money? No 14. Do you tend to be secretive? That is, are you reluctant to reveal your motives or feelings? Yes 15. Is it hard for you to let yourself be dependent on others, rather than self-reliant? (For instance, are you uneasy about delegating tasks at work or hiring help with taxes or home repairs?) No 16. Do you have trouble putting a problem out of your mind until it's resolved, even when you're doing other things? Yes 17. In thinking about some future event, such as a vacation, a dinner party, or a job report, do you dwell upon the things that might go wrong? Yes 18. Do you worry more than most people? Yes 19. Do you derive a great deal of your sense of worth from being able to perform your job flawlessly? Yes 20. Do you get extremely upset when someone is unhappy with or critical of a piece of work you have done, even when the criticism is mild or valid? Yes 21. Do you feel that your family life, social life, or leisure-time enjoyment is being damaged or compromised by the amount of worry, time, or energy you put into work? Yes 22. Do you feel guilty when you aren't getting something done, even in your time off (no matter how hard you've worked all week)? YES 23. Do you make lists of things you "should" do, even in your spare time? No 24. Do even occasional "white lies" bother you? No 25. Do you find it hard to trust that things will probably turn out for the best? Yes |
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