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I just like to complain.

 

TO THE WINDOWWW	May 7, 13 @ 9:24pm
TO THE WALL 'TIL THE SWEAT DRIPS DOWN MY BALLS 'TIL ALL THESE BITCHES CRAWL I don't even. It's stuck in my head. But I haven't heard that song since prom, which was about two weeks ago. I don't understand why people consider prom the best night of their life. It was $75 for me to spend time with a few people I do like in a room of people I don't like. But since Ivan and Elijah go to another school, I felt really cool having some mysterious strangers with me. And then Bekka's boyfriend came out from fucking Alaska, so I felt really cool. There's only a few minutes left until my stuffed peppers are done. Holy frijoles, the filling is good (but I'm apparently the only one in this house who understands flavor, so). We'll see how those turn out. I'M LEGAL TOMORROW I can post pics of my nipple piercings n' shit. Well. If I get them. I understand body jewelry being expensive, but not that fucking expensive. And I know you get what you paid for, blah blah blah. But I am very frugal. Peppers are done!
current mood: Pretty darn good, actually. current music: N/A- Watching Storage Wars
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...	May 6, 13 @ 1:40pm
Nothing motivates me more than knowing that this is the last fucking drama class I will ever have to take. I hate most of these people and anyone outside of their group isn't worth shit to them. These final projects blow, and luckily, if I fail or crash and burn, worst I can get is a C in here. How 'bout them apples? Actually, I can fail all of my finals and still pass. Because I'm actually trying my senior year, which coincidentally is what I'm writing my senior speech on. If you want to succeed, you have to want it. Motivation has to come from inside. If your parents were the type to pay you for good grades, you had to want the money. Not take the route of "You know, there's nothing I want, I don't need the money. I can fail." That's how I was with chores, and probably the same way I would have been with grades. Anyway. This was mildly pointless. I just had to kill a few more minutes until study hall ended.
current mood: Alright. current music: "So Cold" -Breaking Benjamin
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cinco de drinko	May 6, 13 @ 1:33am
Okay, technically it's the 6th. But whatever. I haven't slept yet, so it's still Sunday to me. Anyway, glad to see this site is back online. I needed my super special place to bitch back. I turn 18 on Wednesday, and I graduate in 11 days. Fucking Christ. Then I move in with my grama at some point in June (after my mom moves in with her boyfriend), and I should be starting at SCC in August. Where in the fucking fuck has the time gone? I don't really like it. And earlier today my dad said my brother was 14, but shit, he's really 15. HE CAN GET HIS LEARNER'S PERMIT IN AUGUST. So, about my birthday. Because I'm a self-centered bitch who likes to talk about herself. I plan on getting my nipples pierced. Hawt, right? Because HTC does that nifty three free piercings deal. So. That's what I want. And maybe another thing in my ear for the 3rd one, just for shits n' giggles. Ivan is apparently making me something. Part of me feels like he's sewing me a pony. And Rosemary bought me two pairs of plugs today. She said she was gonna wait until my birthday and just ended up throwing them at me in the car. One pair are these really rad tunnels that are speckled and the other pair are red glass. So, that's cool. And I'm gonna get my cupcake tattoo from my dad at some point! WOO. I don't know what color I wanna dye my hair. But a funky color. I've got this damn-near platinum color right now. And I wanna do something with it. There's this really rad lavender color at Sally's. I don't really know, just not pink or purple. And shit, why am I not asleep? I actually have to go to school and learn. But since this isn't blocked by the school, expect me on.
current mood: Eh. current music: "You're Mine" -Tragedy Machine
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it's been a while.	Nov 8, 12 @ 11:07pm
I don't know what's going on, but it seems like everyone who is in a relationship has been on the rocks lately. I know I sure fucking have, and I'm seeing no light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I am not an affectionate person. And my boyfriend is too fucking affectionate, to the point where me doing simple fucking tasks is interrupted because he wants to give me a five-minute hug. I don't want to be around him lately and I sure as fuck don't want to be touched by him. He's convinced we'll fix "us" and everything will be fine and dandy. Well. It won't. I'm pretty sure I have some mental shit going on (still haven't seen a proper doctor) and my mood are out of control. And he likes to blame me for that. He likes to blame me for things that are out of my control. He likes to blame me for who I am. BUT HE'S THIS LITTLE TWAT BUCKET PUSSY BITCH WITH NO FUCKING BALLS. He can't make a decision for his life. I can't stand how he drives. I hate his hair. He so awkward. And his idea of comforting is awkwardly stroking your back with one finger. Maybe I just need a spark to keep us going. Or we stop going. But that won't happen because "I AM THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO HIM" and "THE ONLY TIMES HE WAKES UP IN A GOOD MOOD IS WHEN HE'S GOING TO SEE ME." Bullshitbullshitbullshit. He gets into little pissy moods because of me. I never put him in a good mood, I only bring him down. He ran a fucking red light because he was pissed at me and we got in a wreck. Just. No part of me finds him appealing right now other than the fact he buys me food. I don't want him around me. The downside to us breaking up is that I would probably lose some really great friends and he'd still probably talk to Veronica, which would be really weird and probably piss me off and make me even more done with the world. --- My low has steadily become lower again. Falling off of a bridge sounds pretty good. I ditched my 6th hour yesterday, which was my first time ever ditching a class. It's my senior year. Yolo, motherfuckers. --- My dad's getting married next month. To his girlfriend of not even a year. He moved her in after three months. I'm just looking forward to moving out after graduation. AND I CAN FINALLY GET AWAY FROM THEIR AWFUL COOKING AND PICKY EATING. Seriously. Just because you change the shape of the pasta does not make it any different from spaghetti. And my crazy psycho aunt is pregnant. She turned 40 in March. Her husband (who she's only known for about a year) is probably gonna be shipped over to the middle east at some point. My family is a mess. --- My school's musical this year is Grease. And all of our leads suck at singing. So, I'm a little embarrassed to have everyone go to it.
current mood: Negative. current music: N/A
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nope.	Sep 4, 12 @ 12:43am
This last week had been alright. I'd been liking myself. Absolutely no crying whatsoever. But something. I don't know what. Just. I want to give up. I want to curl up and sleep. And not move for a long, long time. I've been trying really hard not to eat. A lot. Eat a lot, I mean. Even though I have gone days eating no more than 300 calories... But I just feel worthless. Same ol', same ol'. I feel like I shouldn't even talk about it anymore because in the end, I'm just a fat white girl with a blog. --- Random Ranting -Laura better not fucking bitch about her lack of sleep and college shit. -Jacob's gonna do nothing but talk about fucking Saboten. -Ivan's going to be all snuggly and shit. And I just want to do nothing. And he's making a tumblr. So it's a damn good thing I have DS again to bitch to. -I don't like me. -I really want my dad's iPhone and I feel like I can't wait 'til the 16th to get it (totes deprived of my music right now).
current mood: Blah. current music: N/A
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asdljkgsdf	Aug 26, 12 @ 2:17am
Welp. I definitely have been neglecting this site. And the internet as a whole. Everything just kinda pisses me off. Makes me sad. All that jazz. I'm accepting myself a little bit more, but apparently you can only accept yourself when you're skinny. I feel like eating absolutely everything. I wish I had people to talk to. And I wish people still used AIM. I just miss like, how things were in 6th grade. Everyone was cool with each other and you'd always get super excited when a little notification came up telling you your friend was online. So. I think I'll just go watch some Ghost Adventures, find some Nyquill, and see where the night takes me (second week of school and I'm already fucking sick).
current mood: Decent current music: TV is on, Ghost Adventures
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It's difficult to find help when no one is offering it.	Aug 15, 12 @ 1:28am
I don't know if there's anything wrong with me. My doctor said my dad should take me to a psychiatrist and psychologist. That appointment was about three months ago. I'm just never happy. And I don't want to be around more than about two people. I don't know what to do. An apparently neither does anyone else.
current mood: Negative. current music: N/A
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...	Aug 13, 12 @ 12:54am
I don't know what's worse. The people that give up on you, or the ones that wont when you want them to. I am emotionally unstable. And it's only getting worse. I don't know how I make it through my school day, but 99% of the time, I come home and cry. Whether it be out of sadness or frustration. Most everyone leaves me alone. Except Ivan. Which, I mean. I'm probably being an ungrateful little bitch. But I just want him to stop. "Even if there's the tiniest bit I can, I want to help." "Help me with what? Nothing will help." Maybe the only thing that will help is getting rid of all of my emotions? That would actually be lovely. I'm so sick of myself. I just wish I could curl up into a ball. And the ball just keeps getting tighter and smaller until I just disappear. I'm to a point where I hate myself so much. And I can't cut or drink or do anything to help it, release the pain or whatever. I just sit and make myself suffer through it. There's never going to be enough escape. Sleeping most of my day away doesn't even do anything. And now I'm to a point, where even writing all of that, I just think I should shut up. Because I'm worthless and I deserve all of it. I don't even know what to do anymore. So I'm going to continue about my business and try not to throw my laptop across the room because I hate everything. Yup.
current mood: asdfghjkl; current music: "Bittersweet Memories" -Bullet for my Valentine
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aww sheeeit.	Aug 8, 12 @ 2:08am
I'm gonna be a fucking Senior tomorrow. I am having so many mixed emotions right now, like, it's not even funny. I want to be super duper excited, curl up in a ball, and cry and scream and laugh. And. All of those things. Woo. And now, to try and read and go to bed. Someone remind me to fill up my tin of ibuprofen tomorrow morning. Good night, and good luck.
current mood: ALL THE MOODS current music: N/A
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good lord.	Aug 6, 12 @ 5:17am
i changed my layout. mainly because this new one reminded me of the petpages everyone would have on neopets for role playing and your character had their info n' shit. anyway. i need to be up in about 5 hours for a fucking dentist appointment. just a cleaning. love that dental insurance. i just don't wanna wake up so early. christ. school starts... the day after tomorrow, i guess i can say. because it's technically monday. got clothes online. should be here in about two weeks. painted my toes hot pink which looks pretty good with my skin tone, actually. i am just rambling and not capitalizing. ivan's still awake, which is weird. and i probably just jinxed it. i... should go take some fucking benadryl because that knocks me on my ass. if you actually read this godforsaken thing. i'll make you cookies. thank you. i love you. just tell me your favorite kind.
current mood: not fucking tired. current music: N/A
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