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My (potentially ex) boyfriend is now ignoring me,
after making me feel like a horrible person all day,
and chewing me out for considering seeing Tyler today/tomorrow (Oh, the audacity! I should know better!)
He went through my internetz shit to see if I'd said anything about him (presumptuously so that he could get mad at me for THAT, too-he says I always make him look like an asshole when I'm venting about him being an asshole. I guess he doesn't get that he IS an asshole. Oh well, anyway), and sooo he read the blog before this one, you know, the epic fail emo one? Yeah.
He yells at me for the following, and in this order:
1. According to him, I'd rather hang out with Tyler than him on my birthday.
2. "Lying" on my blog, because apparently he CAN and WILL come over on Sunday, to which I said "don't bother," to which he responds "Fine, since you obviously don't care about me anyway"
3. The (Fracture) sentence ". . . Get my hands on something. . ." He failed, however, to read the words after it, ". . . mind-altering. . ." Meaning DRUGS. He assumed I meant dick. This is after he bitched at me all day for texting a boy whose name wasn't Caleb Joseph Wilson. Don't you love how he's so quick to accuse me of cheating?
Not once did he mention ANYTHING about the parts where I was talking about my feelings.
He then said that he listens to/cares about what I have to say.
My response: Clearly (sarcasm).
Then there proceeded to be a long, long, long silence on the phone, followed by "Are you going to say anything?" To which I respond, "What am I supposed to say." To which he responds, "I don't know, blah blah something dick-ish"
He then blows up because I told him it wasn't his business who I texted.
Then he decides to go, since I wasn't apologizing/conforming to his guilt trip/responding to his jeers.
He then doesn't attempt conversation for an hour or so. When I text him, no response. When I call him, no answer.
That was around seven. It's eleven pm now. Same thing's going on as what was going on around seven.
My boyfriend DEFINITELY loves me.
As always, when we're in a fight, he's at his friend's house, probably getting high, so he doesn't have to think about it or admit he was wrong.
And he told me he was grounded. Sweet, isn't he?
I'm done, I guess.
I'm just highly frustrated and I have a lot of pent up, bitter emotion being held towards him right now :/ He makes me really angry. Mostly because, although he says he cares, he rarely shows it. And when he does, it's usually followed shortly after by my being groped, or some other act of Caleb trying to get me to have sex with him.
I feel so unappreciated, so unloved, so uncared for. I honestly feel like I was better off last May. Really and truly. I don't like being in love, and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to punch in my card and be rid of this whole mess.
I'm going to be in trouble when he reads this. He's going to see the part about "He rarely shows (he cares). And when he does it's usually followed by. . . Caleb trying to get me to have sex with him;" or the part about... I don't know. There's a lot of material for him to use against me.
And he'll take all he can get. He's a big fan of guilt trips.
He never really hears me, though, when I'm talking about how I feel neglected and unwanted, etc etc etc etc ETC. I mean he hears me, yeah, but he doesn't... respond... or listen. He only takes in what he wants to hear. I know he's not going to address any of that if he does in fact read this, and yell at me, and make me feel even worse... He never has, he never does, and he most likely never will....
I feel hopeless and useless and sad and jaded and just... like I'd rather be dead :/
He's put me through so much and I've still stuck around... He's lied to me and taken me for granted and ignored me, and I stick around and bake him cakes and take care of him when he wants it from me, and give him everything I have to give... and even though he's "changed," I've yet to really feel gratified, or that I've even really gotten equal treatment in return.
I feel like the concubine, instead of the queen.
Bad analogy, but I'm in a pros-y mood. Kind of.
I just want to feel like... ugh... this is going to sound so stupid....
I want to feel like I'm a guy's princess :/
I mean shit... For once in my life it'd be nice if I just got treated nicely, all the time, not just when my boyfriend's in a good mood, or horny.
I just feel so shoved aside and neglected half the time that it's starting to make the other half of the time not so worth it.... I just don't know what to do ):
Anyone on the outside of this will say the obvious. I know what you're thinking; "Just leave him, why are you even with him still? He's such a jerk, you don't need that, you deserve better, blah blah blah;" But it's a lot different when you're the one actually going through it, when you're the one in love with the guy who's doing it.
I feel like those stupid girls who stay with the cheating guys, or those weak girls who can't be independent so they stay with the guy even if he's a dirtbag.
I'm not necessarily accusing my boyfriend of doing/being either of those things, I'm just saying... I'm one of those girls. I'm so hopeless and ridiculously stupid :/ I just want to drop off the face of the planet, go into orbit around the sun, catch a ride on a passing meteor, and go to some far away galaxy where there is no concept of pain or hate or depression or shitty boyfriends :/
I'd stay there the whole rest of my life if I could.
One last thing;
Out of anger I told him I didn't want to see him on Sunday. I told him not to bother coming over, or anything.
He just accepted it.
My 100% perfect dream guy would have done it anyway, just because he wanted to make my birthday more special than any other.
But nope. I'm not worth fighting for.
I'm just a concubine :/
One VERY last thing, then I'm done, I swear:
He was online around the time I was calling him and whatnot. He WAS ignoring me, he wasn't asleep or any other stupid shit. He was straight, flat-out ignoring me. Something he said he wouldn't do.
He breaks his promises constantly.
I suppose it's safe to say I'm single.
Happy Birthday, Samme.
The End. |
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